Kaboom, Kersplat, Bam, Boom!!!

Ahh the famous comic bubble!!! Wouldn't it be cool to walk around and have comic bubbles appear!!! That would be quite a distraction. Random thought I know, but sometimes I am just random... Its been a couple of days since I have posted. I have been busy-ish. Lots of work. Both working and driving. I finally today have become "One with the Stop sign" FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It has only taken 2 weeks. Sheesh! But can't complain still driving everyday to finally reach this relaxed state again. Now the rest of the week I will work on getting back to my other goals away from the stop sign.

Anxiety and panic sure is funny like that. It comes at the most unthinkable moments. But as I continue to work at it you start to gain that confidence again. A year ago I would have quit for at least 3-4 months. Now no quitting just keep at it. Eventually it will fall into place when it is supposed to. This is definitely a learning process. Thankfully I liked school and was a good student so hopefully I will pass this life lesson I am learning with flying colors. Scratch that I WILL pass this life lesson!!!



Well time to go finish up some of my homework. This week I had a lot of reading. I am almost done though. Maybe this time I will finish before Friday! Have a fantastic day! Don't give up!!!

A whirlwind

I would have written more to my title but then that would be one VERY long title. I had an awesome therapy session on Saturday! Which always keeps me grounded. Unfortunately I continued to deal with some drama that drained me out. I was exhausted. I re cooperated Sunday and then Monday hit. Oh the lovely Monday!!! More drama arouse that night. Which I wanted to scream! But I didn't, I settled for crying instead. However through all this I keep on driving some days where better than others.

Yesterday was a panic driving day. A pretty bad one. I usually only get those Super Panic Attacks when I am at home and they are far in between. Maybe twice a year. Any who I got one. It sucked. While panicking in the car I had my hubby drive back home as quick as he could and when we got to the edge of the driveway I just jumped out of the car. I didn't even wait for him to back the car into the driveway. Of course he stopped I didn't jump out of a moving car. LOL. That would really hurt. I ran into the house plopped myself on the bed. And just regrouped. I didn't say anything bad to myself. I just closed my eyes took a deep breath and went back outside to get my stuff. Unfortunately my hubby had already brought everything in so I just took it from him and sat on the bed. It was a differently feeling from how I have normal felt in the past when it came to not having good days. I actually didn't get down on myself. I just thought ok what can I take from this and learn from it. Odd. So I made some mental notes and realized that I had a bad day, big deal I will do better tomorrow. I can only keep doing my best and that's it! Now time to move on forward. Whatever today shall bring it shall bring. I will be ready and do the best that I can do today, not more I can do. And like my therapist likes to say: "Progress NOT Perfection". I love that little sentence. Short, yet extremely powerful. It is true though.

So with that I will continue with my progress. Now time to go do my therapy homework!!!

The Ugly and The Hope...

Today was a day full of tests. I had a very unpleasant day. I felt very off today. Kind of a big bummer. Maybe it was the weather. So I managed to nap in the middle of the day hoping the feeling would diminish, but sadly it didn't. Just kind of lingered there.

Earlier I had made two new goals. As yesterday I got to my goal 2 of the week. So I was semi excited but it didn't stick as it normally does. In comes my feeling of being jinxed. All day today I was thinking well what if you get spooked here, or what if it comes there. The famous "What If" game. I really hate playing that game but when it comes around it comes full force! The jinx thing has become a new concept for about a week. Very irritating to say the least. LOL. But this week I have managed to keep it under control. If I thought about it I would just say to myself "No this is not true you are going to be fine". Today my positive thinking didn't stand a chance. Insert Angry Face!!!

Storms were brewing outside before I was about to drive and I said alright lets get this done. Buckle up and have some fun!!! We started driving (hubby is my car pilot, I'm the co-pilot) I was looking for some music to play but nothing could get me distracted. I passed the stop sign tried to take some pictures and my camera wasn't cooperating. I got about to the half way point to my goal and I could feel the anxiety rising. I tried to calm down, didn't do the breathing, but tried distracting myself. Didn't work. We got to the house right before goal 2 and I PANICKED! One of those panic attacks that just feels like the world is crumbling down. I tried to do the breathing technique it worked for about a second got a quick snap shot and told my hubby to speed it up and drive fast!!! I got a sense of relief so I told him to slow down again and within about 5 seconds anxiety level hit a 10!!! So I told him to become speed racer and drive faster. We got back home and instantly I started to cry. I was so upset with myself. I was mad that I didn't reach my goal 2, even though I was about 3 ft away from it, I was mad that I wasn't as calm as I had been. I was also pretty pissed off that my dumb jinx and what if game ruined my drive. Technically me giving it power ruined it but still they decided to show up again!!! How dare they!!!

So I went inside sat on my bed played a game on my ipad and just tuned out the world for about 30 minutes. Hubby came in we talked then went into the office. I had some homework from my therapist to finish so I finished doing that. After I was done I read my assignment to my husband and I began to tell him what I was feeling during and after the drive. He listened intently. When I was done he looked me in the eyes and said "You know what I want you to do. The next time you have one of these so called "bad days" I want you to realize where you were a month ago. Really reflect as to what you did and how far you have gone." I sat there listened and it hit me. The rush of hope! He made sense. A month ago I was struggling to get to my stop sign. The same feelings I had felt when starting: The anxiety, the jinx, the what ifs. I will get to my goal and it will become easier in time. I have to remember that on these types of days. Because while I sit here I reflect on it, I smile and think "Wow look how far I've come!".

The hope has returned and all I can do is my best tomorrow but my mood has completely changed and I can't wait to see what tomorrow's drive has in store. You never know what can happen!!!

Nemisis vs Accomplishments

Aloha!!! Well today is a new day! Wonder were my adventure will take me today... Yesterday was an awesome day. Drove my furthest! I am almost at my 2nd goal of the week. I make two goals a week. One that I know I will make for sure which is Goal 1. While the 2nd goal is an "I want to make it to there" goal. Sometimes I make it in a matter of days while other times it could take a week or a week 1/2 to make it to the 2nd goal. But it is progress. Baby steps. And as for me it is definitely baby steps.

I am going to share with you some pictures as I LOVE to take pictures and well I take pictures of where I have gone. Keeps me distracted and focused on something other than my fun anxiety! lol

This is was my Nemesis for 31 weeks. Yep the dreaded stop sign. It took me that long to reach it. But when I did my whole world opened up. Well for me my world opened up. I took off after that. I was so happy that day! And ever since then I have been continuing to go further. So far this is my route.

 

The yellow dots are my goals I have accomplished already... the green dot is my next goal. This week's Goal 2! The past 2 days I had pretty high anxiety driving to the 1st goal. Seems to be a little cycle. Right when I am about to get close to my goals I get anxious. It is normal and by the 2nd day it isn't as high. My therapist has me give a number to my anxiety 1-10 (1 being the lowest, 10 being the highest). The days that I am high in my anxiety I am about an 8.5. I try not to get to a 10 because if I do the next day is not one I look forward too at all. It was trial and error before I figured out how to get over that little speed bump. With agoraphobia, anxiety and panic you have to find what works for you. Now mind you my anxiety on a good day probably reaches the highest 7.5. And that's a really good day! LOL. But the anxiety starts to go down. I try to make myself stay in the anxiety until I calm down to about a 5 or until I just can't take it anymore. Which lasts many about 30 seconds to 2 mins. Gradual increase depending on the day I am having.

 

 It is a long road ahead of me yet I am ready for the challenges and the pretty things I will get to see on my way. I have a bunch of pictures that I will share with you throughout the next blog. So far all I am doing is CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), guided imagery, positive thinking, meditating, and breathing techniques. It is working for me and I am extremely blessed that not only is it working but I am also blessed to have an AMAZING Support System. That is very important in this journey. You have to remove all the negative people and situations around you as best as possible. Life always will bring its challenges but its how your maneuver through those challenges. It is a lot of work to think that way and be positive but eventually it will come as 2nd nature. Just have Faith!

And so the blogging begins...

Well Hello there!!! Glad you stumbled onto my blog! Hope you are having a fabulous day. This blog will be my journey throughout the struggle I have been in for almost 6 years. I have agoraphobia. Sucks wouldn't you say? It really isn't that bad their is way worse things in life. According to dictionary.com agoraphobia is:

ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a

   /ˌægərəˈfoʊbiə/ Show Spelled[ag-er-uh-foh-bee-uh] Show IPA

noun Psychiatry .

an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

 

It is a fun word to say... However that can be tweaked a bit in my case. I love being around people and open areas. Whatever that entails. LOL. I just have a little issue with leaving my house. I get anxiety and panic attacks while I am in the car. Some days are better than others which is normal in everyday life as I am learning. A couple of months ago I turned 30. I decided after my 30th birthday I would find myself a therapist (again). And with luck found an AMAZING one. We will get into that later.

 

I am not cured at all. It is almost 6yrs of this. It doesn't go away in a snap (although I wish it would sometimes). It takes a lot of work confronting my fears day in and day out. But I have seen amazing progress! I started my journey 32 weeks ago. Yep 32 weeks, February 23, 2012 to be exact,  I was exhausted of my cycle. My cycle included trying to get into my car to drive about a house or two, freaking out and turning back. Doing that for about a month or two (if I was really in a good place) and then having a panic attack and not driving for 6 months. Yep try that for almost 6yrs. 32 weeks ago I basically snapped and said that is it I am done doing this. I am going to drive EVERY SINGLE DAY and I don't care if it KILLS ME!!! I was pretty much at the breaking point. So I embarked on that. Some days I was amped and ready other days I could feel my cycle wanting to break through. I didn't allow it. Even if it was just to get into the car real quick and jump out I did it every single day. And well here I am 32 almost 33 weeks in.

 

I wanted to start this blog now that I have been given the tools to help myself move forward. I learn every single day new things, what works what doesn't work. It is trial and error sometimes. I am not on medication. That is my personal choice for another post. I have started a blog before but stopped it when I went through the not driving for 6 months phase. I want to do this now to keep track of what I am doing and to give an insight as to what I am doing to overcome my agoraphobia. With that I will post my progress, my learnings, and my thoughts. If anything I do you can apply to your own life then wonderful if not then I hope you enjoy my little blog over here.

 

~Jenn